DISCLAIMER: The following parody is meant to illustrate how dangerous it is to pathologize social phenomena. The clinical features are meant to be based on common stereotypes and misconceptions of the group that is being pathologized. I in no way agree with these aforementioned stereotypes as being accurate depictions of an entire group, only that the stereotypes exist and are a means of oppression.
THE ETIOLOGY AND TREATMENT OF FEMALENESS
Femaleness is a serious issue that has received scant attention from those in the mental health professions. Throughout recorded history, evidence of females has been seen. It is estimated that over half of the population is female, and that is just based on survey results.
Due to new research, femaleness is gaining acceptance as a syndrome and will be included in the newly revised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fifth edition, or DSM-V.
People who identify with most of the following criteria may in fact be females:
1.) Congenital onset
2.) Narcissus Paranoia
3.) Subordination Nexus
4.) Comprehension Deficiencies
5.) Coital Suppression
6.) Muscular Deficiencies
CLINICAL FEATURES OF FEMALENESS
Femaleness is evident at birth. Babies showing signs of femaleness are always found in pink blankets or dresses, with bows seemingly pasted to their heads. Once females become toddlers or young children they are seen playing with dolls, playing house or pretending to cook.
Narcissus Paranoia is the inability to stop primping and checking oneself out in the mirror, due to an irrational fear that everyone in society thinks that they should be beautiful and conform to the current stand of beauty. Symptoms include constantly packing a compact, fixing of hair in every reflective surface, taking long bathroom trips to reapply makeup and waking up two hours early in order to properly style, bathe and paint oneself. Narcissus paranoia usually sets in at about high school, but it has been reported as early as the beginning of middle school.
Females often exhibit subordination nexuses, reporting feelings of inferiority and lack of control in their lives. They usually report a perception of lower pay, less recognition and accolades for their work, as well as less chance for promotion. Females are sometimes heard babbling about the “glass ceiling” or the “Equal Pay Act.” No researchers have been able to determine exactly what these concepts are.
Most females also exhibit comprehension deficits. Historically, they have scored lower than other people in testing, if they have even been tested at all. Most researchers never tested their intelligence due to the historically popular perception that females are less intelligent than the rest of the population. It is also widely believed that females suffer from petite cerebral organs, and are therefore less intelligent than the general population.
Coital suppression is exhibited by most subjects that are diagnosed with femaleness. Females are disinterested in fornication, masturbation, and sexual apparatuses and accessories. Any attempts to engage the female in these acts are long, drawn-out processes, with many females refusing until properly coerced. Coital suppression is linked to whorophobia.
Females also usually exhibit muscular deficiencies when compared to the rest of the population. They are unable to lift heavy weights effectively, usually requiring assistance when handling hefty packages.
Femaleness is usually strongly tied to other disorders or symptoms such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, pregnancy, hysteria and bleeding from the genitals.
CAUSES OF FEMALENESS
Many researchers have speculated the cause of femaleness, but no one theory has been accepted by mental health professionals. Two of the more accepted views are presented below.
Most sociologists agree that femaleness is a social construct. No one is born female, but rather assigned to be female by society. They argue that females are not in fact congenitally determined, but socialized into these symptoms. Thus, a restructuring of society is needed in order to produce less females.
According to the biological model, femaleness is inherent and tied to the sex of a child. Because of this, there is no cure for femaleness.
TREATMENTS OF FEMALENESS
Attempts to treat femaleness have been great. Sigmund Freud has done considerable research on hysteria, based on his most famous work: a case study on Anna O. Freud used cocaine and hypnotism to cure this commonly found illness in females. When these methods were not successful, he moved on to introspection and dream interpretation, which were met with similar success.
Throughout history, females have been denied rights such as the right to vote due to symptoms such as comprehension deficiencies. In the past 150 years, in Western culture there has been a movement to unpathologize femaleness. This movement, called feminism, has fought successfully for the right to vote and some reproductive freedoms; however, some of the symptoms are still widespread. Other than feminism, there is no modern treatment or cure for femaleness.
American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV-TR Fourth Edition. 2000.
Coulter, Ann. Guilty: Liberal “Victims” and Their Assault on America. 2009.
Johnson, Kaylene. Sarah: How a Hockey Mom Turned the Political Establishment Upside Down. 2008.
Freud, Sigmund. Studies in Hysteria. 1895.
Seely, Megan. Fight Like A Girl: How To Be A Fearless Feminist. 2007. NYU Press.